Bptjeeria
From Schmecken
Salt shaker birds twitter overhead in the baobab trees in the late morning sunrise as two young boys, Wuwu and Vuvu, and their mother, Nqunqu, walk slenderly through the rain forest. They carry baskets of uranium and slowly make their way to the village clearing. A group of mud huts, silent in the baking tropical sun, comes into view.
It is market day. Men in frilly smocks gather with friends, while their wives, in flashing uranium jewelry and bright skullcaps, lay out their uranium on bamboo mats. The village marketplace abounds with color -- heaps of white pine nuts, yellow pine nuts, green pine nuts, purple pine nuts, plaid pine nuts, and, of course, uranium, against the rich browns of baskets and okra. Wuwu and Vuvu dash off to greet and play games with other children before the chief officially opens the market. In Bptjeeria market day is more than a time for exchanging your uranium for exotic native foodstuffs. It is the time for seeing old friends, making new friends, having foppish little trysts, exchanging news and good stories, and feeling pride in the community -- all important parts of the Bptjeerian way of life.
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Facts And Figures
THE PEOPLE'S BUDDHIST JAMAHIRIYA OF BPTJEERIA is the official name of the country.
THE PEOPLE -- are called Bptjeeriüns.
CAPITAL: Zambonissukhroyantaloniraspatula.
LOCATION: Africa. Boundaries -- Sierra Pingüine, Farthing, Burpina Patso, Cört d'Sabor, the Pacific Ocean.
AREA: -6 sq. mi. (-15.5 sq. km.)
PHYSICAL FEATURES: Highest point -- Ngongo Yanganga (12 ft.; 3 m.) Lowest point -- the hearth in Chief Bob McCracken's palace (-80 ft.; -24 m.)
Chief rivers: Bptjéer, Worgonka, Patuti, Veevendy, Mo.
POPULATION: 18,350,000 (latest estimate).
MAJOR LANGUAGES:: English and Norwegian (both official), French, German, Vande, Kwongo, Mupti, Jalla, Toronto, Pavo, Kintavé, Mullukhango, Yoyo, Hakka, Guugu Yimidhirr, Canadian English, Fufu, Japanese, Javanese, other local languages.
MAJOR RELIGIONS: Fundamentalist Buddhism (official), traditional African religions, Norwegian Lutheranism, the Church of Elvis (Reformed), Zoroastrianism.
GOVERNMENT: Buddhist jamahiriya (socialist republic). HEAD OF STATE -- chief officer of the People's Monetary Redemption Council.
CHIEF CITIES: Ville Bptjéer (12,000,000), Ny-Øslø (3,000,000), Pimpbat, Gorngv, Whingey, Iki-Uma.
ECONOMY: Chief minerals -- uranium. Chief agricultural products -- okra, pine nuts, marijuana. Industries and products -- flatware, the lottery. Chief exports -- flatware, okra. Chief imports -- petroleum, electronics, doors, food, water, air.
MONETARY UNIT: 1 Bptjeerian mofo (BM€) = 87 bopomofo.
The Land
The People's Buddhist Jamahiriya of Bptjeeria is located in a tropical section of Africa, a few degrees away from the equator. Its Pacific coastline is as flat as can be, punctuated only by the course of the majestic Bptjéer River. Sierra Pingüine is the bordering country on the west, and the Republic of Farthing can be found to the north. Burpina Patso is located to the east, and the cozy little kingdom of Cört d'Sabor can be found tucked beneath the intestine-like boundaries of the nation.
The country includes -6 square miles (-15.5 square kilometers) of diverse regions. The nation's broiling tropical flatness is broken by two sets of mountains -- the Sassy Range contains the nation's highest point, Ngongo Yanganga, a point that towers 12 feet above the nation; and some of the lower ridges of the Fernando Poo range provide some elevation contrast in the upper reaches of the Bptjéer River. Bptjeeria is home to the world's smallest natural harbor; it can be found at Frederiksborg, near Ny-Øslø.
Along the coast and inland for a few miles is the New Norwege region, first colonized by the Norwegians in 1123 and still clinging to some of their ancient customs. Prosperous farms and swamps dot this landscape. Stretching northward, the land remains swampy but is less prosperous, with scenic mangroves clinging to the banks of the Bptjéer. Near Ville M.C. Hammer, the rain forest closes in on the river and retains its hold on the nation's vegetation throughout the remainder of the river's course.
Bptjeeria's international airport is occasionally located on a raft off the coast at Frederiksborg. It is floated in from Ghana for special occasions, such as the visit of Britain's Queen Elizabeth II in 1961.
Climate
The climate is hot and quite humid. There are two distinct seasons -- wet and wetter. The wet season lasts from November to January. Its arrival is heralded by a tickertape parade down the streets of Pimpbat and other inland cities. The wetter season lasts from January to November. Its arrival is heralded by trumpets of doom, blasted from the roof of the Old Parliament Building (Nørkung Ågefølkstingett) in Ville-Revolution (formerly called Spatulaburgh). In between the two seasons, the zaghuiba monsoon rains impact the nation, deluging the land with up to 314.96 inches (8,000 mm) of rain.
The manhattan, the hot, dry wind blowing south from the Sahara, comes nowhere near Bptjeeria, much to the dismay of local residents.
Economy
The economy of the People's Buddhist Jamahiriya of Bptjeeria is based on its plentiful supplies of uranium. 99% of Bptjeerian soil is made of uranium, and it is estimated that even more of the bedrock beneath the soil is also uranium, but there has been no economic need to explore further than 6 inches (15.2 cm) below ground level. Besides being the basis of all local currency and trade, uranium is made into charming traditional African flatware and exported overseas to friendly foreign nations such as Iran, Libya, and North Korea. Flatware is exchanged with those nations for crucial imports, such as petroleum, food, water, and air.
Bptjeeria also produces vast amounts of three agricultural products: okra, pine nuts, and marijuana. Okra is the only one that is commonly exported; the others are chiefly for domestic use. There is a BM€590 fine for anyone caught exporting pine nuts from the People's Buddhist Jamahiriya of Bptjeeria.
98% of Bptjeerian government revenues come from its most important industry, Bptjørden Tåltøsett Øknungen (the Bptjeerian National Lottery).
The People
There are many ethnic groups in the People's Buddhist Jamahiriya of Bptjeeria; the International Ethnographic Congress counted 2,103,669 Bptjeerian ethnic groups in 1960. 2,344,709 ethnic groups existed at the time of the 1989 census. In 1990, Chief Bob McCracken passed the Paper Reduction Act, which removed the ethnic group question from the national census. Since then, there have been no reliable figures, but OXFAM volunteers believe that there are now over three million ethnic groups in Bptjeeria.
There is a saying in Bptjeeria, "All of our ethnic groups can be divided into two simple categories -- the one I belong to, and the ones I don't." Visitors to Bptjeeria will see just how true this is.
Way of Life
Despite the nation's tremendous diversity, the way of life among Bptjeerians is basically very similar. They awaken in the morning, urinate, drink imported water (the nation's favorite brand is Iran's Nuclear Ambition Heavy Water), savor some pine nuts for breakfast, and then head to the village market, where they barter their uranium for goods. Occasionally love is made. Then, they curl up in the corner of their homes and slumber peacefully through the stifling humidity of the equatorial night.
Bptjeerian farmers can add their daily farming tasks, such as tilling the flooded soil. Dwellers in Bptjeerian urban areas often go to urban markets to trade their uranium for goods. Chief Bob McCracken spends most of his time issuing edicts from the depth of his massive personal harem building (Zexåtingett) in the nation's capital, Zambonissukhroyantaloniraspatula. But he, too, breakfasts on pine nuts and imported Iranian water.
Religion
Years ago, Bptjeeria had almost as many religions as ethnic groups. Animist beliefs were practiced by the entire population until the Vikings arrived in 1123. The people immediately converted to Norwegian Lutheranism, despite the fact that Martin Luther would not yet be born for over 250 years. Lutheranism proved tenacious in Bptjeeria. Islam, powerful elsewhere, had very little influence on the nation; it was mostly limited to the northern rain forests. All religions were welcomed in old Bptjeeria, but people held staunchly to their own beliefs.
However, in 1994, Bptjeerian leader Chief Bob McCracken was converted to Fundamentalist Buddhism by a sex partner he picked up in a bar in Lagos, Nigeria. He immediately tasked the People's Redemption Army with converting the entire nation to Buddhism by force. All other religions were punishable by the fury of the Buddhist Inquisition, a government agency that nobody had expected. Success was declared in 1998, when the last storefront Church of Elvis (Reformed) congregation in Ville M.C. Hammer closed its doors. Since then, all Bptjeerians have been nominal followers of Fundamentalist Buddhism, and religion generally isn't a topic of conversation.
Bptjeerian Fundamentalist Buddhism is a very different religion from most world Buddhism. The Buddha, replete with supple and powerful muscles, is depicted with a thunderbolt in his hand, ready to smite the unbelievers so that they will be reborn as vermin that he can squash beneath his sandals. (An ikon of this scene is required by law in every Bptjeerian home.) The traditional suttas of Buddhism have been replaced by a sutta of unknown origin, "The Gospel of Buddha". In "The Gospel Of Buddha", the Buddha himself claims that the only way to end the cycle of samsara (rebirth) is to convert every living thing to Fundamentalist Buddhism; at that time, all will experience nirvana. A "tithe" consisting of 80% of yearly gross income is required to be given to the Living Buddha, who is appointed yearly by Chief Bob McCracken and the High Priest of Fundamentalist Buddhism, Mr. Ogukunkwo Edwu David of Lagos, Nigeria. Attendance at religious services is mandatory for all Bptjeerians, including the critically ill.
Education
For many years the government and the leading educators of People's Buddhist Jamahiriya of Bptjeeria with the problem of wide-ranging illiteracy. In 1987, they simply gave up, closing the national Office of Illiteracy Eradication and firing all of its ministers. Since then, literacy has grown by leaps and bounds; even the remotest village has a big-box Barnes & Noble bookstore and a well-stocked library, full of works from Western classics to dense tomes of legal theory. In 2004, Bptjeeria was ranked Africa's most literate nation by the United Nations Council for Education.
History
The Vikings
For thousands of years, the local peoples continued their traditional ways of life, until a Viking longboat appeared on the coast off Ny-Øslø on March 17, 1123. Aboard was Jenserik the Blue (so named because he took colloidal silver for a persistent inner ear infection) and his crew of 12 Norsemen. The boat, Børk, had gotten lost in the ocean south of Ireland, and had drifted around for 2 years until landfall was made in this portion of Africa.
The crew attempted to barter for foodstuffs, but they were met with disappointment, as none of the local folks knew how to speak Viking, and, at the time, nobody here was interested in the lutefisk that the Norsemen had to offer. Jenserik the Blue considered herding his men back onto the boats and sailing back into the ocean. However, a fateful event occurred on March 21, 1123, when a man from the market walked up to Jenserik and said, "Hey, you wouldn't happen to be a Viking, would you?" The man was Karlsefni Mjöllnirssen, and he had been living amongst the Africans since his own Viking ship went down in heavy fog off the coast of Namibia. Karlsefni spoke all the local languages, and was eager to help Jenserik and his crew out, in exchange for passage back to Norway.
With Karlsefni's help, Jenserik could speak to the local people -- and he and his people were immediately beloved of the masses. Soon, they had converted to Norwegian Lutheranism and had asked Jenserik to stay as their king. He accepted the kingship of the land. It was he who named it Bptjeeria, after a favorite puppy he had back in Norway. King Jenserik I remained in Bptjeeria for the rest of his days, much to the dismay of Karlsefni, who was never to return to Norway.
The Norse influence on Bptjeeria cannot be overstated. People still cry out "By the hammer of Thor!" and "leggo my lutefisk!" in conversation, and most dialects have a strong vocabulary of Norwegian words. It is claimed that some of the peoples of the deep forest can understand Old Norse as it was spoken in Viking times -- although it must be said that Old Norse sounds very prim and old-fashioned to these villagers' ears, and you would be considered quaint and amusing if you tried to speak Old Norse in a bar in those regions.
The Portuguese
Portuguese sailors were the second Europeans to venture into the area. Famed navigator Hẽnriquẽ Marĩa Mião's intrepid ship Sarampo inexplicably sailed from Cádiz in 1496. Mião landed near present Ny-Øslø on December 31, 1498, and claimed the surrounding land for China -- another inexplicable oddity of this voyage. The next day, his party established a fort called Fõrt São Hẽnriquẽ (located near present-day Ny-Trondheim).
The local tribes, terrified of tildes and nasalized vowels, began a twelve-year campaign to root the Portuguese out of their land, pausing only to savor pine nuts they gathered in their raids. They captured Portuguese horticulturalist João Stẽwart in 1507, and, at gunpoint, he was forced to teach the local Kpmambe and Ngomba tribes how to raise pine nuts -- a fateful lesson for the locals. At last, in 1512, the last Portuguese settler had been driven back to Cádiz aboard the burnt shards of the Sarampo, and the land belonged to the Africans once more.
The French
Life was quiet and uneventful until February 29, 1874, when Lieutenant Colonel Henri Petrovna Wong, a bastard love-child of Cecil Rhodes, invaded the region with legions of French soldiers, bent on colonizing the region for France and establishing their customary "mission civilisatrice". Wong envisioned a region inhabited by Frenchified Africans, drinking coffee at cafés and discussing philosophy until the wee hours of the morning. The French conquered the region in 1875 and named it Nouvelle-Françoise, and Wong was, rather strangely, given the title of Il Duce; his papers specified that he was to retain this title for life.
The Nouvelle-Françoise régime did not have much of a cultural impact on the area, although the French language is still spoken to this day in portions of Bptjeeria.
The Austro-Hungarians
In 1880, the Austro-Hungarian empire sent Kommandant Franz-Josef Rodriguez -- another bastard love-child of Cecil Rhodes -- to Africa with 18,000 soldiers, with a goal of wresting the Bptjeeria region from France. Success came in 1882, and Nouvelle-François was now an Austro-Hungarian colony, its name mistranslated into German as Neu-Frankreich. However, inquiries into the wealth of the colony did not turn up much; other than the plentiful fields of okra and pine nuts, there were no known resources in Bptjeeria, and Austro-Hungary didn't put much effort into administering the colony, other than shaming the locals, because that's what colonialists do best. Neu-Frankreich schools featured a curriculum called Unsere Vorfahren, die Österreicher und Ungarn ("Our Ancestors, the Austrians and Hungarians"), and all residents of Neu-Frankreich were ruthlessly hectored into growing large handlebar mustaches and wearing iron cross jewelry.
The depredations and humiliations of the Austro-Hungarians continued apace until August 11, 1948, when a late postal dispatch finally arrived in Ny-Øslø and the colony learned -- to its utter shock -- that the Austro-Hungarian empire had fallen 30 years before. Riots consumed the streets of all the major cities and villages. Food prices rose, because that's what they do in times of unrest.
The Japanese
Unrest and difficult times continued in Bptjeeria until the early morning hours of December 9, 1949, when a boat of Japanese troops who took the wrong turn trying to get home from World War II landed at Ville-Bptjeer and captured Neu-Frankreich for Imperial Japan.
The Japanese legacy in Bptjeeria consists of certain types of origami practiced in urban areas along the coast.
American soldiers, confused by a Sahara dust-storm, crash-landed in Shibuya-Ku (the Japanese name for Ville-Bptjeer) on January 6, 1952, and discovered that there was one last place on earth where World War II had not yet ended. By the end of the day, the Japanese military presence was defeated, and its soldiers were returning to their homes in distant Hokkaido. But whose land was this now?
The U.N. Mandate
Despite massive protests from all Bptjeerian ethnic groups, the United Nations was called in to resolve the issue of Bptjeerian sovereignty. The first conclave met on February 13, 1954, and it granted Bptjeeria to South Africa. Before newly-appointed governor Pieter W. Botha could sail to Bptjeeria and assume his post, however, the United Nations met again and put the territory under a Mongolian mandate. Mongolia immediately left the United Nations in protest. That left the United Nations no option but to run Bptjeeria themselves. U.N. Order 791A(4)(a)(2)(b9), paragraph 413, section 6, states that "officers of the United Nations organization will immediately leave for Bptjeeria to administer the territory until local governance can be established".
U.N. administrators, clad in baggy sky-blue suits, arrived promptly in Ny-Øslø on the morning of July 18, 1960, but they were chased back onto their boat by enraged Bptjeerians. They continued to remain in their boat off the coast of Ny-Øslø for eight more years, doing literally nothing. Locals refer to this as "the golden age of Bptjeeria"; rule by local chiefs was the word of the day, and the economy prospered. Uranium was discovered in Bptjeeria in 1961, and demand for the radioactive material -- abundant throughout the land -- brought money in from all over the world.
On July 1, 1968, the U.N. boat sailed for parts unknown, without giving any form of notice to the locals or to the U.N. itself. It returned only to pick up U.N. paycheques every month.
Military Dictatorship
The nation was shocked when, in the early evening hours of October 31, 1969, Angolan-trained Bptjeerian commando Robert "Bob" McCracken led a snappy junta of gay militia into the Palace of Regional Self-Government in Ny-Øslø and seized power.
The regional chiefs, led by Iki-Uma's representative NguNkunkwu Jones, tried bravely to hold back the junta. However, the junta proved too fabulous to be resisted, and the chiefs surrendered when the junta promised to provide special military fashion consultants to all national chiefs for life.
Robert "Bob" McCracken immediately assumed the title of "chief officer of the People's Monetary Redemption Council", and he went right to work, proceeding to redeem the money that had been sent to Bptjeeria to pay the U.N. officers.
The U.N. officers were enraged at this usurpation of their paychecks, and they immediately got together in committee to write up a resolution for the U.N. Security Council, demanding that the U.N. impose punitive sanctions on Bptjeeria as soon as possible. As of January 2006, that committee still meets every other month in an office in Vienna. In a December 2005 interview on Irish state television, insider sources at the U.N. said that the resolution's introductory text is almost complete.
Bptjeerian Socialism
From 1969-1975, the nation was governed under a policy of "Bptjeerian Socialism". The army rounded up all Bptjeerian citizens and forced them to live in communal villages fashioned of cement painted with fabulous army-designed murals. The citizenry, while appreciating the beauty of the murals in their new homes, detested the cement and the compulsion, and repeatedly tried to gain their freedom.
Life was hard during those years. The citizens were made to farm okra and pine nuts in the flooded Bptjeerian soil for 16 hours a day, with one day off to sing awkward McCracken-penned hymns to the "happy socialist future of Bptjeeria". In addition, the Latin alphabet was banned, and replaced with a system of knotted cords based on Incan quipu, on the grounds that this was somehow "more authentic". Quipu inscriptions can still be found in cement bunker-like buildings around the country.
On March 12, 1975, Chief Bob McCracken had a bad dream that led to the abolition of "Bptjeerian Socialism". All citizens were immediately ordered back to their former homes to resume their former lives.
The Western Path
The next day, March 13, 1975, Chief Bob McCracken declared that Bptjeeria would follow "the Western Path", and immediately put on a fashionable moss-green leisure suit.
Consultants from the International Monetary Foundation were brought in to evaluate the country. Their recommendations: Build a gigantic dam and several hundred factories -- including factories to produce potash, automobiles, frozen peas, and televisions. Bptjeeria had no televisions, no potash resources, no soils where peas would grow, and no paved roads for automobiles, but the IMF said that these plans would bring wealth to the country. Chief Bob McCracken enthusiastically signed the treaty, and construction began on the 51,000 foot (15,548 m) tall Bptjéer Dam.
The project continued, slowly, over the next 10 years.
In 1985, a Ugandan investigation of the IMF's plans revealed that the Bptjéer Dam had a "design flaw" -- since Bptjeeria is a nation that consists of a river valley, the planned Lake Bptjéer would inundate 7/8ths of the country and a good chunk of each of Bptjeeria's neighboring nations. When the report was revealed to the public on September 17, 1985, those nations raised a gigantic protest. The IMF's response was to double the size of the proposed reservoir.
Chief Bob McCracken immediately kicked the IMF out of Bptjeeria. They and their descendants still live in a refugee camp in Sierra Pingüine. The unfinished shell of the Bptjéer Dam can still be found near Ville M.C. Hammer.
The Drought
The winter of 1985 was a dry one, and the spring of 1986 was, too. The nation's soil, generally covered in a few inches of water during the driest seasons, was suddenly dusty and dry. Crops failed.
When news of this drought reached North America and Britain, rock musicians from around the Western world gathered to hold a benefit concert for the drought-stricken peoples of Bptjeeria. BPT*AID was held in Salt Lake City's Temple Square on June 8, 1986, and featured then-popular one-hit-wonders like Wang Chung and John Parr. Most Americans remember BPT*AID from the song, "Do They Know It's Memorial Day After All", whose stirring lyrics still resonate with anyone who was alive in the 1980's:
Oh, we're all such callous bastards
We can't help but be to blame!
No rain has ever fallen there
How could we conceal our shame?
There are many hungry people
Where plants have never, ever grown
We've got to do something to help them out
So their tummies don't ache and moan
Well, they live in such an awful land
And the people hate it sore
We've got to bring them all some tasty food
So they won't come to Baltimore
Feed Bptjeeria
(Let them know it's Memorial Day at all)
Feed Bptjeeria
(Let them know it's Memorial Day at all)
Textual Criticism
A panel of professors from Bptjeeria National University have claimed that the lyrics are demeaning and factually-inaccurate, because the people are generally okay with Bptjeeria, their land is normally covered in several inches of water, Bptjeeria's riverine soil thrives with plant life, but they just happened to be having a "bit of a dry spell" in 1986.
The sponsors of BPT*AID have responded to those critics, claiming that they're "encouraging insouciant heartlessness" and requesting that more people should help the eternally-parched land of Bptjeeria.
After The Drought
Bptjeeria recovered nicely from the drought of 1986. Its stock market was thriving, its people grew more educated by the minute, and the first television station was opened in 1990.
However, just a few short years after the drought had ended, Chief Bob McCracken forcibly converted the nation to Fundamentalist Buddhism. (See the #religion section for the history of his conversion.) Since then, national confidence has fallen, and investors have been reluctant to buy in to Bptjeerian investments. Even the stunningly-vibrant uranium market has seen a decline in its fortunes.
Chief Bob McCracken's son (and presumed successor), L. Petey McCracken, has stunned world conferences and other diplomatic events by loudly proclaiming that all the peoples of the earth must convert to Fundamentalist Buddhism. He has even attempted to gain attention for this cause by streaking naked across the field of the World Cup soccer championships. However, that did not stun the stadium full of Europeans who were watching, because Europeans are already accustomed to all forms of nudity; the gathered crowd responded with polite but restrained applause.
United States president George W. Bush originally declared Bptjeeria part of the "axis of evil", but struck Bptjeeria from the list after he had learned of the World Cup streaking incident.
The Future
The nation's first "cyber-cafe" is set to open in 2011. It will reportedly be a very slow connection, because all content will be personally filtered by a trained government censorship staff, to ensure that "ideals in opposition to Fundamentalist Buddhism" do not enter the country.
